There are three major variables in a relationship:  Timing, Situation and Compatibility.  How far a relationship will go is determined by the strength of each of these variables.

Timing: Timing is everything in life.  Marriage is something you will have an appetite for once you’re done getting to know yourself, done being selfish and investing solely in your career/friends/life.  Women are often “ready” to commit before men are.  Maybe it’s a biological nesting thing, I don’t know.  Regardless, the timing has to be right for both of you if you want the relationship to go the distance.

Situation: Sometimes, the timing is right but the situation is not.  Maybe he just went through a layoff and has to take a job in another city.  Maybe she is preoccupied because her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and she can’t fathom dating anyone at the moment.  I would say that situation is a tricky variable.  For example,  high-stress periods often create situations that are not conducive for a long-term relationship…sometimes high-stress periods bring out the best in relationships.  It depends.

Compatibility: This is obvious, but compatibility is at the crux of a long-term relationship. However, it’s worth noting that there are several degrees of compatibility.  There’s relationship compatibility, where you simply get along with the person and have a good time.   Then there’s life-long compatibility, where you and that person compliment each other in a way where you are both equipped to face the trials of establishing a home, raising a family, and supporting each other through severe challenges (i.e. illness, unemployment, etc).

The best relationships have an abundance of good timing, situation and compatibility.  Bad relationships have severe deficits of the three variables. However, the most dangerous scenario is when a lack of compatibility is masked by incredibly good timing and situation.  Too many couples get ready because that’s the next logical step in their relationship or they are at an age where that is expected of them; years later, they find themselves staring at divorce because their compatibility was only sufficient in the context of a specific time frame or situation. Put in a different way, the couple were not compatible enough to grow together long-term.

Me…my own timing was off until quite recently.  While I would have had a mini panic attack at the thought of marrying someone 5 years ago, now it is something that I actively crave.  Not the marrying part, but the part where you find a partner and can trust that you’ll work through whatever issue comes your way because there’s no doubt that you’ll be together x years from now. My timing is on.  My situation was off until recently too. Actually, if I’m really honest with myself, I’d say it is still off…I’m in business school, about to transition yet again, move yet again, find an apartment yet again. My situation isn’t exactly welcoming to others.

As I said in my last post, I just ended a really phenomenal relationship.  His timing was off (mine on); his situation was worse than mine; our compatibility was good for now but not enough for the long-run.  I’m sad.  The funny thing is that I don’t think I’ve ever been so close to perfectly calibrating the three variables.  My timing was on.  My situation, though not perfect, was manageable.  And I found someone that I was almost compatible with….

This post rambles on quite a bit…so, I’ll save my typing fingers for a more lucid post a few days from now.  All you have to remember is that timing, situation and compatibility are important variables in a relationship.  By the way, I just found this blog…I like.

I’m writing again and you all know what that means….breakup time!!!!

Blurb on the last 9 months:  Dating G.I. Joe (pseudonym) was a great experience. The relationship taught me what it’s like to have a partner.  We got along like best friends and had the best.chemistry.ever. The communication was crystal clear and we never had any bad fights.  It was a healthy relationship.

But: It ended. Too soon.  Although the relationship ran it’s course and I’m 100% certain that we had no future together after business school, I didn’t expect such an abrupt ending.  Things had become noticeably cold since recruiting started for him.  Things must have reached boiling point internally and within 3 days he decided to break up with me.

After Shock: I resent how he ended things in 20 minutes. A longer conversation that allows for mutual agreement is a much better way to go….I learned that now.  Also, I hate that I have to go through another breakup in the fishbowl that is my MBA program.

Some hope: The breakup has been an opportunity for me to see just how awesome my girlfriends are. I can’t tell you how supportive they have been. Also, guys have already started flirting again….looks like I’ll have.  Finally, women seem to take breakups as an opportunity to improve themselves.  I’m a pretty self-aware person so I think that is true.

Anyway. I’m a sad panda again.

I wrote my most popular post “Guide to Breaking Up” exactly one year ago.  I was weeks into a bad breakup and used wordpress as a cheap therapist. I’ll give a quick update on what’s happened in my life over this past year, then summarize the key insights.

Update:  I nearly lost it when I heard the ex started dating someone. It got even worse when I ran into him and the new girl (holding hands, dancing, together) at a party. That was rock bottom but things eventually got better. We both moved to our new school (MBA, remember) and that’s when things got complicated. He pursued me hard core, told me I was the one, bla bla bla. I knew getting back together would be a bad idea; that I’d most likely blow an entire semester and suffer a much bigger opportunity cost than him.  But, I got back together with him anyway and literally had a panic attack the second I made the decision.  It was rocky, he was the one pushing things forward, and then about 10 weeks in I realized I was pretty happy and put forth all of my effort. Of course, that’s exactly when he started withdrawing again. It was unbearable. I couldn’t handle it. we broke up and this time the cards turned. I made out with someone in New Years, in front of him.  I rebuffed him when he tried to pursue me again, tempting me with the promise of a summer engagement.  I went on dates, started dating someone, and got into a serious relationship with his polar opposite. I stopped talking to him, finally.  These are the key insights that got me to this status quo.

Guys want what they can’t have.  He probably missed me and possibly confused that with loving me. Who knows, I’m not a mind reader. It’s funny. What is literally the hottest guy in my class hit on me one day—we struck up a conversation, he reminded me that we had met during admit weekend and had a great time, made jokes, made plans to meet up later—well it turns out that the ex had been on the same pre-term trip before school. They were friends and hottie was totally threatening him.  Word got out that we had dated and hottie backed out in the blink of an eye. Expected.  The ex pushed harder. Also expected.

Guys are liberal with promises. He promised he had changed, that he loved me, that he’d never do anything bad to me again. He promised he’d get therapy to learn how to communicate better, be less insecure, and not shut me out so much.  Prmised me the world.  Promised it would be different this time.

Pain is forgettable. That’s why I threw all of my good logic out the window and got back together with him.  I forgot all of the anxiety he caused me whenever he’d inexplicably stop talking to me, be dismissive towards me, make me feel like getting into the same school was an awful sin.  I forgot how much it hurt that he dated someone just weeks after we broke up. Instead, I focused on his pretty promises and finally caved in.

Instincts matter.I suffered from a genuine panic attack just hours after we got back together. My good friend called me up and asked me a simple question: Is this what you want?  I panicked. I fast-forwarded to the most likely outcome of another break up. I valued the lost opportunity of being unattached to anyone as I met all o fmy new class mates.  I sized up all of the healing from the summer that I was about to throw into the garbage.  Getting back together felt terribly wrong, yet I did it anyway.

30 Year Olds Don’t Change.  I won’t bore you with the details, but the relationship started getting sour just a few weeks later. I’m sure it didnt’ help that my doubt was palpable. It also didn’t help that we were thrown into a new environment, with new stress, and a worsening job market. Regardless, the same symptoms popped up: Inexplicable cold shoulder, unresponsiveness, etc. I literally begged him to “jiggle the rope,” just let me know that he’s present in the relationship even if things are tough and he needs “alone” time. He said no.

Therapy helps. I promised myself I would get therapy during my graduate education—I figured I was investing $80k anyway so I might as well maximize the whole self-improvement process.  Ironically, I can’t put a price tag to having an anchor throughout the whole process.  She helped remind me how panicked I was when I got back together with him, how tormented I felt when he got cold again, and how thoroughly I thought out the options before breaking up.  This reminder helped me stay strong during the months that followed

Retribution.  I can’t tell you how angry I was about being in the same crappy break-up situation all over again.  We happened to be at the same new years party and I gave myself a 10% chance of kissing him (that’s how we started dating 2 years earlier) and 90% chance of staying clear of him.  Well, he flirted with some girl so I decided to flirt back with the guy that was hitting on me too…and then this flirty guy and I kissed…and the ex fell apart.

Revenge is Sweet. Remember how awful I felt when I saw him with that girl the previous summer? Well, he was pretty banged up. He lost control and literally begged to get back together.

Promises can be Manipulative.   “You’re the one. You are supposed to be my partner in life, my wife, the mother of my kids.  If we get back together then we’ll be engaged this summer, married next summer.” I want to get married. I want it so bad but it felt like he was baiting me with my biggest vulnerability.  I saw through the words and felt tremendous anger towards him.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words.  He kept on trying to talk me into getting back together and then he heard I was dating someone. He called to confirm the rumor and we have not talked since then (February 2009).

Ping Pong Theory.  There is a period of happiness when you date someone. Then, incompatibilities will start to show and you eventually break up.  These differences are what you note in that lits of qualities every man and woman keeps in the back of their minds: things I like/don’t like about the people I date.  The list informs your taste in the future. In my case, I tend to select guys that “bypass” the problems that led to the previous breakup.  My ex was insecure, so I look for a very secure man.  etc.etc.etc.

Closer. Maybe it’s rebound, maybe it’s not.  All I know is that I am now dating someone that meshes better with me than anyone I have ever dated before. It’s effortless. We can talk about anything (serious or not) for hours.  He’s the sharpest, most sincere, and most direct man I’ve ever dated. The physical chemistry is insane. Communication (i.e .resolving conflict, diffusing arguments, etc) is a simple game for us…I don’t know if he’s the one, but I know that being with him is one of the single most healthiest decisions I have ever made because now I know that a healthy, mutual and caring relationship is possible for me.  I am still not over the ex (it was a long, serious and damaging relationship…I think the most damning part of it is that I actually thought I was going to marry him. Letting my mind go there is what made this breakup so tough.)  BUT, I’m also confident about where I am right now, what I know, and the direction that I am moving in.

As the president of a school organization, I had to go to one of those school-wide diveristy meetings. Basically, my school wants to put its force behind diversity iniatives and make a whole big thing about it next quarter. If this group defines and executes its diversity strategy the way every other organization I’ve ever been a part of executes it…then the diversity efforts will fail.

If you put a flyer out that says “Diversity is important, join our Diversity Initiative Club” then you’re going to get a very small number of atendees. They will be a diverse group of people, but their lack of scale prevents them from having much impact.

Really, diversity is more about persective than it is about skin color or ethnicity. Diversity is all of the following:

• Being the low-income kid in an expensive private school
• Being a staunch Republican
• or staunch Democrat
• Being the only white girl in a Hispanic school
• Having gay parents
• Being adopted
• Being black, going to a historically black college,  then working in a company that lacks diversity
• Working at a nonprofit to save the whales
• Being a prep-school, Ivy-League trained I-Banker
• Having overcome substance abuse

All of these things create diverse perspective. All of these people are likely to draw very different conclusions when considering the same topic.

Firms, private/public/non-profit, all benefit from having a staff that is diverse in its breadth of perspectives.  Going to a top MBA school and glimpsing into these different perspectives adds to your own and broadens your thoughts.

Diversity iniatives, when properly defined, add value to absolutely everyone within an organization becuase absolutely everyone can contribute.

Those are my thoughts, which I have shared/will continue to share with the powers that be.

It’s been awhile, lets catch you up:

• The Ex (insecure guy) and I broke up in December
• He tried to get me back all through out the next semester. To no avail.  He tried many different strategies:
  • Excuses: “I acted that way because something bad happened to me, it won’t happen again” (yeah right, he said that 4x before)
  • Hope:  “You are the one for me, I want to marry you and have children with you. If we get back together we can be engaged by summer, married when we graduate”…. this strategy was particularly cruel since he harped on one of my dream of getting married one day. He used it as a weapon against me.
  • Denial: “Lets just be friends, and hang out, and basically act like we’re dating except we’re not.”  He said this in a note that came with some flowers. Friends don’t give eachother flowers, do they?
  • Guilt: “It’s me, I know it’s my fault and I can change. But I need you to support me as I change. I need you to be there for me.”
  • Truth: “You are 100% right. I treated you badly. I disrespected you. Iwas horrible to you and I understand why your memories of us are negative. You deserve better. I want to be better, let me be better.”  This was the second cruelest strategy he tried because he ripped the bandaid off when he admitted the wrong doing, made me think there was hope he’d improve given that he “saw” how his behavior hurt me.
  • Anger: “This is it. If we don’t get back together now you lose me forever.”
  • Anger and Threat: “I’m going to start dating someone…actually, i am dating someone.”

Anyway, that’s how it played out for about 8 weeks, which is right about when I started dating G.I. Joe.

G.I. Joe is great.  He’s secure, he doesn’t take his bad moods out on me, he is consistent, he is sweet, we talk like we’re best friends, etc.

I don’t like how aggressive his personality is or how his personality is contagtious (good or bad). I don’t like what a mess he is, and how staying over at his place means I have to stay in a NASTY apartment with piles of trash and hair all over the bathroom. I also wonder if our backgrounds are irreconcilably different (i’m somewhat of a wasp, he’s the opposite).

We’ll see. I’m glad I’m with him because now I know what a difference being with a secure, emotionaly mature and caring man is like. It’s pretty freaking awesome.

I got a summer internship offer!!!!!!!! The one that I wanted too:)

I heard that there was no such thing as dating in business school.  That people tend to go out, get drunk, hook up and then sometimes things blossom from there.

False. At least false for me. Dates definitely happen.  Two case in points:

1) Professional basketball game and then drinks with one guy who turned out to be a total weirdo (it took me just 2 hours to figure that out, the night went downhill from there). 

2) Dinner and a Movie plus general hanging out (we run in the same circle) with another dude. He’s not my usual type, but there is something there so we’ll see what happens.

Back to MBA dating—-you should note that b-school runs in dog years, meaning that time FLIES while you’re here. Given how often you run into people, 1 week can very easily be likened to one month in the real world. This means that things progress/implode rather quickly.

Another interesting reality about MBA dating—-discretion.  We live in a fishbowl.  Gossip circulates at the speed of sound and it’s very difficult to keep things under wraps. Yet, people tend to start dating quietly.  Then, a few weeks later (months in real world time) they come out of the closet and are a full fledged, probably going to get hitched couple. It’s bizarre.  I would think that for every couple that goes public there’s 3-4 failed attempts by other couples.

The cute girls/guys match up EARLY on in the game.  Most of the girls were “taken” by the 8th weke of the first semester.  I have been single for 3 months and I can confirm that guys move quickly to fill the void.

The biggest danger in MBA dating—what happens if it doesn’t work out? Everyone is roughly in the same social circle, so big blowups can really damage your standing at school.  Also, at what point do you get the reputation of being a player/slut?  I’m not sure.

One more thing—-PROM!!!! There are SO many formals in business school. Not everyone goes with a date, but it is a GREAT opportunity if you do happen to go on a date. It’s cute. You both dress up. He picks you up (i.e. walks to your apartment and then grabs a cab with you). You dance together a bit. Then you separate because you want to hang out with your friends too. Then you glance at eachother, and dance, and kiss, etc.  SUPER CUTE!!!!

One of the dozens of speakers I’ve heard talk over the last few months said (and I paraphrase): “There was a bubble in the market because all of the savvy investors that found higher than expected returns were followed by unsavvy investors, driving the price up all the way until there were no buyers left.  Now, the bubble has popped and the savvy are selling high.  The unsavvy will follow suit and sell as well until there are no sellers left, and those who are in the know will start to buy again.”

It seems like we may have reached that point today: 

Strategists at Deutsche Bank say they now think the market is looking cheap. “We can finally make a case for equities being “cheap” for not only the first time in this crisis but for the first time in at least 14 years,” they said.  -WSJ, 3/3/09

I cannot believe the Dow Jones is under 7000. Very scary for people who would like to retire soon—like my father.

Did I tell you about Amy? 

Amy wants to get married. It’s one of her life-long ambitions. She lives in a place where women are defined primarily by who them marry.  It’s a big deal for her. Amy is very pretty. Blonde, blue eyes, great body and very witty. She can be a little bitchy (i.e. doesn’t play nice with others sometimes) but she’s what many would consider an a’ight catch.

Amy has been dating Charlie for about six years. She has invested most of her 20s to this guy.  I remember her once saying “I’ll gauge my eyes if that bastard doesn’t propose to me.”

Lets look at Charlie—he’s tall, lanky, a bit awkward looking due to some flawed genetics (two of his last names are the same because his mom is his father’s first cousin. I swear.)  He’s very entertaining, witty guy.  Not terrible ambitious. I do not believe he has great business sense either, but he makes do. Charlie loves to drink. Charlie loves to party. Charlie loves to say inappropriate things. 

Amy and Charlie got into a fight once. She got jealous about something, they started yelling at eachother at a wedding, and then he spit on her. HE SPIT ON HER.  Charlie spit on Amy, in public, in front of all of their friends.

Now they are engaged to be married…..I wonder if they will live happily ever after.

Amy + Charlie = LOVE*4(Ever)-Spitting