Filed under: Gender Fights, MBA | Tags: business school break ups, dating in business school, getting over an ex, guide to breaking up, mba breakups, rebounding
I wrote my most popular post “Guide to Breaking Up” exactly one year ago. I was weeks into a bad breakup and used wordpress as a cheap therapist. I’ll give a quick update on what’s happened in my life over this past year, then summarize the key insights.
Update: I nearly lost it when I heard the ex started dating someone. It got even worse when I ran into him and the new girl (holding hands, dancing, together) at a party. That was rock bottom but things eventually got better. We both moved to our new school (MBA, remember) and that’s when things got complicated. He pursued me hard core, told me I was the one, bla bla bla. I knew getting back together would be a bad idea; that I’d most likely blow an entire semester and suffer a much bigger opportunity cost than him. But, I got back together with him anyway and literally had a panic attack the second I made the decision. It was rocky, he was the one pushing things forward, and then about 10 weeks in I realized I was pretty happy and put forth all of my effort. Of course, that’s exactly when he started withdrawing again. It was unbearable. I couldn’t handle it. we broke up and this time the cards turned. I made out with someone in New Years, in front of him. I rebuffed him when he tried to pursue me again, tempting me with the promise of a summer engagement. I went on dates, started dating someone, and got into a serious relationship with his polar opposite. I stopped talking to him, finally. These are the key insights that got me to this status quo.
Guys want what they can’t have. He probably missed me and possibly confused that with loving me. Who knows, I’m not a mind reader. It’s funny. What is literally the hottest guy in my class hit on me one day—we struck up a conversation, he reminded me that we had met during admit weekend and had a great time, made jokes, made plans to meet up later—well it turns out that the ex had been on the same pre-term trip before school. They were friends and hottie was totally threatening him. Word got out that we had dated and hottie backed out in the blink of an eye. Expected. The ex pushed harder. Also expected.
Guys are liberal with promises. He promised he had changed, that he loved me, that he’d never do anything bad to me again. He promised he’d get therapy to learn how to communicate better, be less insecure, and not shut me out so much. Prmised me the world. Promised it would be different this time.
Pain is forgettable. That’s why I threw all of my good logic out the window and got back together with him. I forgot all of the anxiety he caused me whenever he’d inexplicably stop talking to me, be dismissive towards me, make me feel like getting into the same school was an awful sin. I forgot how much it hurt that he dated someone just weeks after we broke up. Instead, I focused on his pretty promises and finally caved in.
Instincts matter.I suffered from a genuine panic attack just hours after we got back together. My good friend called me up and asked me a simple question: Is this what you want? I panicked. I fast-forwarded to the most likely outcome of another break up. I valued the lost opportunity of being unattached to anyone as I met all o fmy new class mates. I sized up all of the healing from the summer that I was about to throw into the garbage. Getting back together felt terribly wrong, yet I did it anyway.
30 Year Olds Don’t Change. I won’t bore you with the details, but the relationship started getting sour just a few weeks later. I’m sure it didnt’ help that my doubt was palpable. It also didn’t help that we were thrown into a new environment, with new stress, and a worsening job market. Regardless, the same symptoms popped up: Inexplicable cold shoulder, unresponsiveness, etc. I literally begged him to “jiggle the rope,” just let me know that he’s present in the relationship even if things are tough and he needs “alone” time. He said no.
Therapy helps. I promised myself I would get therapy during my graduate education—I figured I was investing $80k anyway so I might as well maximize the whole self-improvement process. Ironically, I can’t put a price tag to having an anchor throughout the whole process. She helped remind me how panicked I was when I got back together with him, how tormented I felt when he got cold again, and how thoroughly I thought out the options before breaking up. This reminder helped me stay strong during the months that followed
Retribution. I can’t tell you how angry I was about being in the same crappy break-up situation all over again. We happened to be at the same new years party and I gave myself a 10% chance of kissing him (that’s how we started dating 2 years earlier) and 90% chance of staying clear of him. Well, he flirted with some girl so I decided to flirt back with the guy that was hitting on me too…and then this flirty guy and I kissed…and the ex fell apart.
Revenge is Sweet. Remember how awful I felt when I saw him with that girl the previous summer? Well, he was pretty banged up. He lost control and literally begged to get back together.
Promises can be Manipulative. “You’re the one. You are supposed to be my partner in life, my wife, the mother of my kids. If we get back together then we’ll be engaged this summer, married next summer.” I want to get married. I want it so bad but it felt like he was baiting me with my biggest vulnerability. I saw through the words and felt tremendous anger towards him.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words. He kept on trying to talk me into getting back together and then he heard I was dating someone. He called to confirm the rumor and we have not talked since then (February 2009).
Ping Pong Theory. There is a period of happiness when you date someone. Then, incompatibilities will start to show and you eventually break up. These differences are what you note in that lits of qualities every man and woman keeps in the back of their minds: things I like/don’t like about the people I date. The list informs your taste in the future. In my case, I tend to select guys that “bypass” the problems that led to the previous breakup. My ex was insecure, so I look for a very secure man. etc.etc.etc.
Closer. Maybe it’s rebound, maybe it’s not. All I know is that I am now dating someone that meshes better with me than anyone I have ever dated before. It’s effortless. We can talk about anything (serious or not) for hours. He’s the sharpest, most sincere, and most direct man I’ve ever dated. The physical chemistry is insane. Communication (i.e .resolving conflict, diffusing arguments, etc) is a simple game for us…I don’t know if he’s the one, but I know that being with him is one of the single most healthiest decisions I have ever made because now I know that a healthy, mutual and caring relationship is possible for me. I am still not over the ex (it was a long, serious and damaging relationship…I think the most damning part of it is that I actually thought I was going to marry him. Letting my mind go there is what made this breakup so tough.) BUT, I’m also confident about where I am right now, what I know, and the direction that I am moving in.

As the president of a school organization, I had to go to one of those school-wide diveristy meetings. Basically, my school wants to put its force behind diversity iniatives and make a whole big thing about it next quarter. If this group defines and executes its diversity strategy the way every other organization I’ve ever been a part of executes it…then the diversity efforts will fail.
If you put a flyer out that says “Diversity is important, join our Diversity Initiative Club” then you’re going to get a very small number of atendees. They will be a diverse group of people, but their lack of scale prevents them from having much impact.
Really, diversity is more about persective than it is about skin color or ethnicity. Diversity is all of the following:
- Being the low-income kid in an expensive private school
- Being a staunch Republican
- or staunch Democrat
- Being the only white girl in a Hispanic school
- Having gay parents
- Being adopted
- Being black, going to a historically black college, then working in a company that lacks diversity
- Working at a nonprofit to save the whales
- Being a prep-school, Ivy-League trained I-Banker
- Having overcome substance abuse
All of these things create diverse perspective. All of these people are likely to draw very different conclusions when considering the same topic.
Firms, private/public/non-profit, all benefit from having a staff that is diverse in its breadth of perspectives. Going to a top MBA school and glimpsing into these different perspectives adds to your own and broadens your thoughts.
Diversity iniatives, when properly defined, add value to absolutely everyone within an organization becuase absolutely everyone can contribute.
Those are my thoughts, which I have shared/will continue to share with the powers that be.
It’s been awhile, lets catch you up:
- The Ex (insecure guy) and I broke up in December
- He tried to get me back all through out the next semester. To no avail. He tried many different strategies:
- Excuses: “I acted that way because something bad happened to me, it won’t happen again” (yeah right, he said that 4x before)
- Hope: “You are the one for me, I want to marry you and have children with you. If we get back together we can be engaged by summer, married when we graduate”…. this strategy was particularly cruel since he harped on one of my dream of getting married one day. He used it as a weapon against me.
- Denial: “Lets just be friends, and hang out, and basically act like we’re dating except we’re not.” He said this in a note that came with some flowers. Friends don’t give eachother flowers, do they?
- Guilt: “It’s me, I know it’s my fault and I can change. But I need you to support me as I change. I need you to be there for me.”
- Truth: “You are 100% right. I treated you badly. I disrespected you. Iwas horrible to you and I understand why your memories of us are negative. You deserve better. I want to be better, let me be better.” This was the second cruelest strategy he tried because he ripped the bandaid off when he admitted the wrong doing, made me think there was hope he’d improve given that he “saw” how his behavior hurt me.
- Anger: “This is it. If we don’t get back together now you lose me forever.”
- Anger and Threat: “I’m going to start dating someone…actually, i am dating someone.”
Anyway, that’s how it played out for about 8 weeks, which is right about when I started dating G.I. Joe.
G.I. Joe is great. He’s secure, he doesn’t take his bad moods out on me, he is consistent, he is sweet, we talk like we’re best friends, etc.
I don’t like how aggressive his personality is or how his personality is contagtious (good or bad). I don’t like what a mess he is, and how staying over at his place means I have to stay in a NASTY apartment with piles of trash and hair all over the bathroom. I also wonder if our backgrounds are irreconcilably different (i’m somewhat of a wasp, he’s the opposite).
We’ll see. I’m glad I’m with him because now I know what a difference being with a secure, emotionaly mature and caring man is like. It’s pretty freaking awesome.
I heard that there was no such thing as dating in business school. That people tend to go out, get drunk, hook up and then sometimes things blossom from there.
False. At least false for me. Dates definitely happen. Two case in points:
1) Professional basketball game and then drinks with one guy who turned out to be a total weirdo (it took me just 2 hours to figure that out, the night went downhill from there).
2) Dinner and a Movie plus general hanging out (we run in the same circle) with another dude. He’s not my usual type, but there is something there so we’ll see what happens.
Back to MBA dating—-you should note that b-school runs in dog years, meaning that time FLIES while you’re here. Given how often you run into people, 1 week can very easily be likened to one month in the real world. This means that things progress/implode rather quickly.
Another interesting reality about MBA dating—-discretion. We live in a fishbowl. Gossip circulates at the speed of sound and it’s very difficult to keep things under wraps. Yet, people tend to start dating quietly. Then, a few weeks later (months in real world time) they come out of the closet and are a full fledged, probably going to get hitched couple. It’s bizarre. I would think that for every couple that goes public there’s 3-4 failed attempts by other couples.
The cute girls/guys match up EARLY on in the game. Most of the girls were “taken” by the 8th weke of the first semester. I have been single for 3 months and I can confirm that guys move quickly to fill the void.
The biggest danger in MBA dating—what happens if it doesn’t work out? Everyone is roughly in the same social circle, so big blowups can really damage your standing at school. Also, at what point do you get the reputation of being a player/slut? I’m not sure.
One more thing—-PROM!!!! There are SO many formals in business school. Not everyone goes with a date, but it is a GREAT opportunity if you do happen to go on a date. It’s cute. You both dress up. He picks you up (i.e. walks to your apartment and then grabs a cab with you). You dance together a bit. Then you separate because you want to hang out with your friends too. Then you glance at eachother, and dance, and kiss, etc. SUPER CUTE!!!!

Quotable quotes from Mr. Buffet’s 2009 letter to the shareholders (my comments are in paranthesis)—-
By yearend, investors of all stripes were bloodied and confused, much as if they were small birds that had strayed into a badminton game.
~
As the year progressed, a series of life-threatening problems within many of the world’s great financial institutions was unveiled. This led to a dysfunctional credit market that in important respects soon turned non-functional. The watchword throughout the country became the creed I saw on restaurant walls when I was young: “In God we trust; all others pay cash.”
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The U.S. – and much of the world – became trapped in a vicious negative-feedback cycle. Fear led to business contraction, and that in turn led to even greater fear. (I AGREE!!!!!)
~
Whatever the downsides may be, strong and immediate action by government was essential last year if the financial system was to avoid a total breakdown. Had that occurred, the consequences for every area of our economy would have been cataclysmic. Like it or not, the inhabitants of Wall Street, Main Street and the various Side Streets of America were all in the same boat. (To every single Republican and Dem-Hater who was agains the stimulus package and thought “doing nothing is an option” TAKE THAT!!!!! You are wrong. As unsavory as government intervention is we must admit that it was necessary. Period.)
~
Though the path has not been smooth, our economic system has worked extraordinarily well over time. It has unleashed human potential as no other system has, and it will continue to do so. America’s best days lie ahead. (I love it)
~
As predicted in last year’s report, the exceptional underwriting profits that our insurance businesses realized in 2007 were not repeated in 2008 (Note: Buffet became very concerned about his insurance business in 2005 when Katrina hit. His insurance firm had to pay out a lot of claims. They were prepared to do so and were fine, but he noted that the firm would be in trouble if it global warming had the effect of making a Katrina like disaster more common). Nevertheless, the insurance group delivered an underwriting gain for the sixth consecutive year. This means that our $58.5 billion of insurance “float” – money that doesn’t belong to us but that we hold and invest for our own benefit – cost us less than zero. In fact, we were paid $2.8 billion to hold our float during 2008. Charlie and I find this enjoyable. (hehehe)
~
That’s the good news. But there’s another less pleasant reality: During 2008 I did some dumb things in investments. I made at least one major mistake of commission and several lesser ones that also hurt. I will tell you more about these later. Furthermore, I made some errors of omission, sucking my thumb when new facts came in that should have caused me to re-examine my thinking and promptly take action. (The sign of a good manager is one who recognizes mistakes once they happen. The sign of a great manager is one who recognizes flawed behavior….bias and escalation seem to be his two bigest flaws, but recognizing their presence in his thinking is the first step of obliterating there impact in the future.)
~
At that time, much of the industry employed sales practices that were atrocious. Writing about the period somewhat later, I described it as involving “borrowers who shouldn’t have borrowed being financed by lenders who shouldn’t have lent.” To begin with, the need for meaningful down payments was frequently ignored. Sometimes fakery was involved. (“That certainly looks like a $2,000 cat to me” says the salesman who will receive a $3,000 commission if the loan goes through.) Moreover, impossible-to-meet monthly payments were being agreed to by borrowers who signed up because they had nothing to lose. The resulting mortgages were usually packaged (“securitized”) and sold by Wall Street firms to unsuspecting investors. This chain of folly had to end badly, and it did. (Sounds like my Credit Crisis for Dummies post!)
~
Home ownership is a wonderful thing. My family and I have enjoyed my present home for 50 years, with more to come. But enjoyment and utility should be the primary motives for purchase, not profit or refi possibilities. And the home purchased ought to fit the income of the purchaser. (HERE HERE!) The present housing debacle should teach home buyers, lenders, brokers and government some simple lessons that will ensure stability in the future. Home purchases should involve an honest-to-God down payment of at least 10% and monthly payments that can be comfortably handled by the borrower’s income. That income should be carefully verified. Putting people into homes, though a desirable goal, shouldn’t be our country’s primary objective. Keeping them in their homes should be the ambition. (OKAY, I haven’t really revealed what I used to do before business school but lets just say that a huge portion of my job was trying to convince decision makers that played a significant role in the housing market that our goal shouldn’t just be “generate new home loans” but “to mitigate risk, and keep more people in their homes.” I COMPLETELY agree with Buffet here. Now everyone can or should own a home. Everyone has the right to shelter, but that doesn’t always mean white-picket-fence shelter. A rental apartment or manufactured home must suffice in some cases. What the government and country must do is provide affordable housing options that allows people to have a roof over their head that they can actually pay for on a monthly basis.)
~
Though Berkshire’s credit is pristine – we are one of only seven AAA corporations in the country – our cost of borrowing is nowfar higher than competitors with shaky balance sheets but government backing. At the moment, it is much better to be a financial cripple with a government guarantee than a Gibraltar without one. (This concerns me because it means that strong companies that should survive may not if they do not have enough cash stockpiled to pull them through the credit crunch. If my scenario plays out then our economy will be left with weak, zombie like companies that crutch on the government. This is not good. This is like Japan in the 90s and everyone knows what happened to Japan—-an entire lost decade of growth.)
~
Derivatives are dangerous. They have dramatically increased the leverage and risks in our financial system. They have made it almost impossible for investors to understand and analyze our largest commercial banks and investment banks. They allowed Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to engage in massive misstatements of earnings for years. So indecipherable were Freddie and Fannie that their federal regulator, OFHEO, whose more than 100 employees had no job except the oversight of these two institutions, totally missed their cooking of the books. (LOL! It’s true. I was just in a finance group meeting and we were doing a case on derivatives. The boys in the group were going ga-ga over the terminology. It’s as if engineering a derivative is the equivalence of owning a giant phalice….he who makes the biggest, most obscure, most complicated derivatives trade is the biggest. They are dangerous.)
~
Now, for those MBAs looking for a summer internship or fulltime offer—-take a look at these companies for inspirtation, they are all owned by Mr. Warren Buffet himself:
American Express Company . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13.1% ownership
The Coca-Cola Company . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.6%
ConocoPhillips . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.7%
Johnson & Johnson . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.1%
Kraft Foods Inc. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8.9%
POSCO . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5.2%
The Procter & Gamble Company . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.1%
Sanofi-Aventis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1.7%
Swiss Re . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3.2%
Tesco plc . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2.9%
U.S. Bancorp . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4.3%
Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.5%
The Washington Post Company . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18.4%
Wells Fargo & Company . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7.2%

The Oracle
Investors should be skeptical of history-based models. Constructed by a nerdy-sounding priesthood using esoteric terms such as beta, gamma, sigma and the like, these models tend to look impressive. Too often, though, investors forget to examine the assumptions behind the symbols. Our advice: Beware of geeks bearing formulas. (LOLOL!!!)
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The investment world has gone from underpricing risk to overpricing it. This change has not been minor; the pendulum has covered an extraordinary arc. A few years ago, it would have seemed unthinkable that yields like today’s could have been obtained on good-grade municipal or corporate bonds even while risk-free governments offered near-zero returns on short-term bonds and no better than a pittance on long-terms. When the financial history of this decade is written, it will surely speak of the Internet bubble of the late 1990s and the housing bubble of the early 2000s. But the U.S. Treasury bond bubble of late 2008 may be regarded as almost equally extraordinary.
~
Local governments are going to face far tougher fiscal problems in the future than they have to date. The pension liabilities I talked about in last year’s report will be a huge contributor to these woes. Many cities and states were surely horrified when they inspected the status of their funding at yearend 2008. The gap between assets and a realistic actuarial valuation of present liabilities is simply staggering. (OH NO!)
Filed under: MBA, Market Trends | Tags: how does the recession impact PE private equity venture capital VC, The fate of PE
I sat in on a guest lecture today. About 150 students packed into a room to see Mr. Chen of ____ Capital Group speak. He’s been in the VC business for 30 years. He is brilliant.
- He says to follow the money—-to go where the stimulus package has gone (healthcare, education, and….I forget).
- Mr. Chen says that PE is F_cked. PEs purchase companies by using lots and lots of debt (i.e. leveraged buyouts). Lots of this debt matures this year, and in order to keep their business model running they will have to replace old debt with new debt. This is problematic because a) it’s hard to get a loan nowadays and b) the rates on these loans are awful compared to the peak of PE (2006 and 2007). Illiquidity + High loan rates will kill the PE model. Mr Chen expects a bloodbath.
- It seems like Mr. Chen is okay with the government injecting cash into the system. However, it concerns him that the Fed is now managaging an unprecedented volume of assets ($1+ trillion) that it has no experience managing. He is afraid that lack of experience to these assets class will create inefficiencies and result in problems (i.e. losses).
- He says VC is done in that super high returns have disappeared because the tech market has become efficient. Before, VC funds would purchase a project that other investors foolishly thought was too risky, and then make ridiculous returns. Now, investors get what they pay for because their returns are proportional to the risk of their investments. The VC market has learned how to measure and price risk.
- Because the VC world is less interesting, Mr. Chen decided to leave tech VC and develop a new fund that is focused on sustainable development. This is very interesting to me and I’ll probably write a little more about it in a few days….I’ll release the name of the fund and the name of this Mr. Chen then too.
- I saw no more than 20 girls in that room. At first I didn’t bat an eye—I’m used to being outnumbered. Then I started to think about it and felt weird about it. Why are their so few females in the room? How is that okay? How does being such an obvious minority affect the females that play in that space (finance, PE/VC, etc)? I’m not crying the feminist battle cry here, I’m just saying….it’s weird to be so obviously outnumbered in a room.
Filed under: MBA, Market Trends | Tags: b-school and the recession, business school, finding a summer internship in a down market, finding an mba internship, how many mba's have jobs right now, how many mba's have summer internships, how to cope with a down economy, how to cope without a job, how to find a job, how to survive a recession, is going to business school mba b-school a good idea during a down market recession depression economic crisis, Unemployment, what to do if you are laid off
On campus recruiting is over and I am _______ to say that I don’t have a summer internship yet. Sad. Scared. Anxious. Doubtful. Insecure. Mad.
Recruiting has been tough this years. The firms that haven’t pulled out all-together most likely limited their headcount and gave offers to students that had 100% relevant background for that positoin. Unfortunately, many of us came here to switch careers—–landing an internship as a career switcher is difficult if the employer is screening for previous experience.
It’s easy to get down, to doubt yourself, to wonder if the opportunity cost of coming back to school (i.e. forgone salary, etc) will outweigh the benefits. It’s easy to define yourself by the rejections you have received.
Well, don’t. Do not define yourself by these rejections. Do not define yourself by the handful of doors that have shut you out. Instead, look at the vastness of the opportunities that are ahead of you. You have ten weeks this period to take risks, to try something new, to work in an unpaid internship at the firm you love, to try something you never thought you would try, to live somewhere new, etc. Ten weeks is doable. Ten weeks is affordable.
Watch Steve Jobs address to Stanford and see if his words resonate….they resonate with me.
-The dots connect when you look backwards, not when you look forward.
-Trust in something, in fate, in destiny, in your gut, in karma, something that lets you know the dots will connect eventually.
-Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living by the results of other people’s thinking.
Filed under: MBA
Fellow MBAs,
Do not forget that interviews are a 2-way street. Yes, the primary goal is for you to win them over and get an offer…but they have to win you over too.
I just came back from a pre-interview cocktail and think that working at this company would be an AWFUL experience because one of the interviewers came off as completely abrasive and unpleasant to work with.
She was hostile, antagonistic, and totally awkward.
What a loser.—F’THAT!
UPDATE: I just finished the interview. She was just as bitchy and significantly more awkward. She requested that we hand in our notes, implying that the information released during the interview is top secret or something (WHAT?) I asked how this company was doing relative to its peers, such as XYZ Bank, and she got all flustered “even if I knew the answer I would not tell you.” Okay lady. Whatever.
W.E.I.R.D.
Filed under: MBA
I just got Dinged by a top three consulting company. The only one I interviewed with (I didn’t submit an application to one of them becaues they all suck, and I declined an interview with the second one because I didn’t like the people.)
It never feels good to get dinged, but honestly, THANK GOD. I already know that i would hate the work life balance of a consultant. I would hate waking up early, sleeping in a hotel, living on a plane, etc. I would hate having to interview a bunch of people at a firm and then trying to process that information to solve some impossible problem in 3 weeks via a powerpoint presentation. I would hate doing all that work and then never knowing what came of it—-if the internal people thought the suggestions were ridiculous or helpful.
I’ve worked with consultants before, and I thought there analysis was stupid. They only pointed out what we already knew, baked the numbers, and gave us this ridiculously difficult presentation that added very little value to our operations. That’s my one experience. It wasn’t a very good one.
I wish I had the option to turn them down, but I know myself, I wouldn’t have turned them down so this is a good thing. I am thankful that I was not offered a summer internship with them.