bluntlysaid


Otra Vez (again)
November 13, 2009, 11:25
Filed under: Gender Fights

I’m writing again and you all know what that means….breakup time!!!!

Blurb on the last 9 months:  Dating G.I. Joe (pseudonym) was a great experience. The relationship taught me what it’s like to have a partner.  We got along like best friends and had the best.chemistry.ever. The communication was crystal clear and we never had any bad fights.  It was a healthy relationship.

But: It ended. Too soon.  Although the relationship ran it’s course and I’m 100% certain that we had no future together after business school, I didn’t expect such an abrupt ending.  Things had become noticeably cold since recruiting started for him.  Things must have reached boiling point internally and within 3 days he decided to break up with me.

After Shock: I resent how he ended things in 20 minutes. A longer conversation that allows for mutual agreement is a much better way to go….I learned that now.  Also, I hate that I have to go through another breakup in the fishbowl that is my MBA program.

Some hope: The breakup has been an opportunity for me to see just how awesome my girlfriends are. I can’t tell you how supportive they have been. Also, guys have already started flirting again….looks like I’ll have.  Finally, women seem to take breakups as an opportunity to improve themselves.  I’m a pretty self-aware person so I think that is true.

Anyway. I’m a sad panda again.

sadpanda



One Year Later

I wrote my most popular post “Guide to Breaking Up” exactly one year ago.  I was weeks into a bad breakup and used wordpress as a cheap therapist. I’ll give a quick update on what’s happened in my life over this past year, then summarize the key insights.

Update:  I nearly lost it when I heard the ex started dating someone. It got even worse when I ran into him and the new girl (holding hands, dancing, together) at a party. That was rock bottom but things eventually got better. We both moved to our new school (MBA, remember) and that’s when things got complicated. He pursued me hard core, told me I was the one, bla bla bla. I knew getting back together would be a bad idea; that I’d most likely blow an entire semester and suffer a much bigger opportunity cost than him.  But, I got back together with him anyway and literally had a panic attack the second I made the decision.  It was rocky, he was the one pushing things forward, and then about 10 weeks in I realized I was pretty happy and put forth all of my effort. Of course, that’s exactly when he started withdrawing again. It was unbearable. I couldn’t handle it. we broke up and this time the cards turned. I made out with someone in New Years, in front of him.  I rebuffed him when he tried to pursue me again, tempting me with the promise of a summer engagement.  I went on dates, started dating someone, and got into a serious relationship with his polar opposite. I stopped talking to him, finally.  These are the key insights that got me to this status quo.

Guys want what they can’t have.  He probably missed me and possibly confused that with loving me. Who knows, I’m not a mind reader. It’s funny. What is literally the hottest guy in my class hit on me one day—we struck up a conversation, he reminded me that we had met during admit weekend and had a great time, made jokes, made plans to meet up later—well it turns out that the ex had been on the same pre-term trip before school. They were friends and hottie was totally threatening him.  Word got out that we had dated and hottie backed out in the blink of an eye. Expected.  The ex pushed harder. Also expected.

Guys are liberal with promises. He promised he had changed, that he loved me, that he’d never do anything bad to me again. He promised he’d get therapy to learn how to communicate better, be less insecure, and not shut me out so much.  Prmised me the world.  Promised it would be different this time.

Pain is forgettable. That’s why I threw all of my good logic out the window and got back together with him.  I forgot all of the anxiety he caused me whenever he’d inexplicably stop talking to me, be dismissive towards me, make me feel like getting into the same school was an awful sin.  I forgot how much it hurt that he dated someone just weeks after we broke up. Instead, I focused on his pretty promises and finally caved in.

Instincts matter.I suffered from a genuine panic attack just hours after we got back together. My good friend called me up and asked me a simple question: Is this what you want?  I panicked. I fast-forwarded to the most likely outcome of another break up. I valued the lost opportunity of being unattached to anyone as I met all o fmy new class mates.  I sized up all of the healing from the summer that I was about to throw into the garbage.  Getting back together felt terribly wrong, yet I did it anyway.

30 Year Olds Don’t Change.  I won’t bore you with the details, but the relationship started getting sour just a few weeks later. I’m sure it didnt’ help that my doubt was palpable. It also didn’t help that we were thrown into a new environment, with new stress, and a worsening job market. Regardless, the same symptoms popped up: Inexplicable cold shoulder, unresponsiveness, etc. I literally begged him to “jiggle the rope,” just let me know that he’s present in the relationship even if things are tough and he needs “alone” time. He said no.

Therapy helps. I promised myself I would get therapy during my graduate education—I figured I was investing $80k anyway so I might as well maximize the whole self-improvement process.  Ironically, I can’t put a price tag to having an anchor throughout the whole process.  She helped remind me how panicked I was when I got back together with him, how tormented I felt when he got cold again, and how thoroughly I thought out the options before breaking up.  This reminder helped me stay strong during the months that followed

Retribution.  I can’t tell you how angry I was about being in the same crappy break-up situation all over again.  We happened to be at the same new years party and I gave myself a 10% chance of kissing him (that’s how we started dating 2 years earlier) and 90% chance of staying clear of him.  Well, he flirted with some girl so I decided to flirt back with the guy that was hitting on me too…and then this flirty guy and I kissed…and the ex fell apart.

Revenge is Sweet. Remember how awful I felt when I saw him with that girl the previous summer? Well, he was pretty banged up. He lost control and literally begged to get back together.

Promises can be Manipulative.   “You’re the one. You are supposed to be my partner in life, my wife, the mother of my kids.  If we get back together then we’ll be engaged this summer, married next summer.” I want to get married. I want it so bad but it felt like he was baiting me with my biggest vulnerability.  I saw through the words and felt tremendous anger towards him.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words.  He kept on trying to talk me into getting back together and then he heard I was dating someone. He called to confirm the rumor and we have not talked since then (February 2009).

Ping Pong Theory.  There is a period of happiness when you date someone. Then, incompatibilities will start to show and you eventually break up.  These differences are what you note in that lits of qualities every man and woman keeps in the back of their minds: things I like/don’t like about the people I date.  The list informs your taste in the future. In my case, I tend to select guys that “bypass” the problems that led to the previous breakup.  My ex was insecure, so I look for a very secure man.  etc.etc.etc.

Closer. Maybe it’s rebound, maybe it’s not.  All I know is that I am now dating someone that meshes better with me than anyone I have ever dated before. It’s effortless. We can talk about anything (serious or not) for hours.  He’s the sharpest, most sincere, and most direct man I’ve ever dated. The physical chemistry is insane. Communication (i.e .resolving conflict, diffusing arguments, etc) is a simple game for us…I don’t know if he’s the one, but I know that being with him is one of the single most healthiest decisions I have ever made because now I know that a healthy, mutual and caring relationship is possible for me.  I am still not over the ex (it was a long, serious and damaging relationship…I think the most damning part of it is that I actually thought I was going to marry him. Letting my mind go there is what made this breakup so tough.)  BUT, I’m also confident about where I am right now, what I know, and the direction that I am moving in.

move on

 

 



Diveristy
June 4, 2009, 11:25
Filed under: Gender Fights, MBA, Market Trends

As the president of a school organization, I had to go to one of those school-wide diveristy meetings. Basically, my school wants to put its force behind diversity iniatives and make a whole big thing about it next quarter. If this group defines and executes its diversity strategy the way every other organization I’ve ever been a part of executes it…then the diversity efforts will fail.

If you put a flyer out that says “Diversity is important, join our Diversity Initiative Club” then you’re going to get a very small number of atendees. They will be a diverse group of people, but their lack of scale prevents them from having much impact.

Really, diversity is more about persective than it is about skin color or ethnicity. Diversity is all of the following:

  • Being the low-income kid in an expensive private school
  • Being a staunch Republican
  • or staunch Democrat
  • Being the only white girl in a Hispanic school
  • Having gay parents
  • Being adopted
  • Being black, going to a historically black college,  then working in a company that lacks diversity
  • Working at a nonprofit to save the whales
  • Being a prep-school, Ivy-League trained I-Banker
  • Having overcome substance abuse

All of these things create diverse perspective. All of these people are likely to draw very different conclusions when considering the same topic.

Firms, private/public/non-profit, all benefit from having a staff that is diverse in its breadth of perspectives.  Going to a top MBA school and glimpsing into these different perspectives adds to your own and broadens your thoughts.

Diversity iniatives, when properly defined, add value to absolutely everyone within an organization becuase absolutely everyone can contribute.

Those are my thoughts, which I have shared/will continue to share with the powers that be.



Been Awhile
May 17, 2009, 11:25
Filed under: Gender Fights, MBA

It’s been awhile, lets catch you up:

  • The Ex (insecure guy) and I broke up in December
  • He tried to get me back all through out the next semester. To no avail.  He tried many different strategies:
    • Excuses: “I acted that way because something bad happened to me, it won’t happen again” (yeah right, he said that 4x before)
    • Hope:  “You are the one for me, I want to marry you and have children with you. If we get back together we can be engaged by summer, married when we graduate”…. this strategy was particularly cruel since he harped on one of my dream of getting married one day. He used it as a weapon against me.
    • Denial: “Lets just be friends, and hang out, and basically act like we’re dating except we’re not.”  He said this in a note that came with some flowers. Friends don’t give eachother flowers, do they?
    • Guilt: “It’s me, I know it’s my fault and I can change. But I need you to support me as I change. I need you to be there for me.”
    • Truth: “You are 100% right. I treated you badly. I disrespected you. Iwas horrible to you and I understand why your memories of us are negative. You deserve better. I want to be better, let me be better.”  This was the second cruelest strategy he tried because he ripped the bandaid off when he admitted the wrong doing, made me think there was hope he’d improve given that he “saw” how his behavior hurt me.
    • Anger: “This is it. If we don’t get back together now you lose me forever.”
    • Anger and Threat: “I’m going to start dating someone…actually, i am dating someone.”

Anyway, that’s how it played out for about 8 weeks, which is right about when I started dating G.I. Joe.

G.I. Joe is great.  He’s secure, he doesn’t take his bad moods out on me, he is consistent, he is sweet, we talk like we’re best friends, etc.

I don’t like how aggressive his personality is or how his personality is contagtious (good or bad). I don’t like what a mess he is, and how staying over at his place means I have to stay in a NASTY apartment with piles of trash and hair all over the bathroom. I also wonder if our backgrounds are irreconcilably different (i’m somewhat of a wasp, he’s the opposite).

We’ll see. I’m glad I’m with him because now I know what a difference being with a secure, emotionaly mature and caring man is like. It’s pretty freaking awesome.



Dating in Business School
March 5, 2009, 11:25
Filed under: Gender Fights, MBA

I heard that there was no such thing as dating in business school.  That people tend to go out, get drunk, hook up and then sometimes things blossom from there.

False. At least false for me. Dates definitely happen.  Two case in points:

1) Professional basketball game and then drinks with one guy who turned out to be a total weirdo (it took me just 2 hours to figure that out, the night went downhill from there). 

2) Dinner and a Movie plus general hanging out (we run in the same circle) with another dude. He’s not my usual type, but there is something there so we’ll see what happens.

Back to MBA dating—-you should note that b-school runs in dog years, meaning that time FLIES while you’re here. Given how often you run into people, 1 week can very easily be likened to one month in the real world. This means that things progress/implode rather quickly.

Another interesting reality about MBA dating—-discretion.  We live in a fishbowl.  Gossip circulates at the speed of sound and it’s very difficult to keep things under wraps. Yet, people tend to start dating quietly.  Then, a few weeks later (months in real world time) they come out of the closet and are a full fledged, probably going to get hitched couple. It’s bizarre.  I would think that for every couple that goes public there’s 3-4 failed attempts by other couples.

The cute girls/guys match up EARLY on in the game.  Most of the girls were “taken” by the 8th weke of the first semester.  I have been single for 3 months and I can confirm that guys move quickly to fill the void.

The biggest danger in MBA dating—what happens if it doesn’t work out? Everyone is roughly in the same social circle, so big blowups can really damage your standing at school.  Also, at what point do you get the reputation of being a player/slut?  I’m not sure.

One more thing—-PROM!!!! There are SO many formals in business school. Not everyone goes with a date, but it is a GREAT opportunity if you do happen to go on a date. It’s cute. You both dress up. He picks you up (i.e. walks to your apartment and then grabs a cab with you). You dance together a bit. Then you separate because you want to hang out with your friends too. Then you glance at eachother, and dance, and kiss, etc.  SUPER CUTE!!!!

hs-sweethearts



Happily Never After

Did I tell you about Amy? 

Amy wants to get married. It’s one of her life-long ambitions. She lives in a place where women are defined primarily by who them marry.  It’s a big deal for her. Amy is very pretty. Blonde, blue eyes, great body and very witty. She can be a little bitchy (i.e. doesn’t play nice with others sometimes) but she’s what many would consider an a’ight catch.

Amy has been dating Charlie for about six years. She has invested most of her 20s to this guy.  I remember her once saying “I’ll gauge my eyes if that bastard doesn’t propose to me.”

Lets look at Charlie—he’s tall, lanky, a bit awkward looking due to some flawed genetics (two of his last names are the same because his mom is his father’s first cousin. I swear.)  He’s very entertaining, witty guy.  Not terrible ambitious. I do not believe he has great business sense either, but he makes do. Charlie loves to drink. Charlie loves to party. Charlie loves to say inappropriate things. 

Amy and Charlie got into a fight once. She got jealous about something, they started yelling at eachother at a wedding, and then he spit on her. HE SPIT ON HER.  Charlie spit on Amy, in public, in front of all of their friends.

Now they are engaged to be married…..I wonder if they will live happily ever after.

Amy + Charlie = LOVE*4(Ever)-Spitting

Amy + Charlie = LOVE*4(Ever)-Spitting



Take Back The Night

At the risk of sounding like Perez Hilton….If it is true that
pop singer Chris Brown hit his girlfriend Rihanna, then I truly hope that his career will suffer as a result of his incredibly heinous act of cowardice.

Celebrity gossip is sometimes a shady business, but in this case, it reveals behavior that most people stand against. As such, the public is given the information it needs to take a stance against violence towards women. Maybe people will start disliking Chris Brown, stop buying his songs, stop going to his concerts. I don’t know.

All i know is that hitting a woman is unacceptable, I am against it, and if blogging helps get the word out and helps people stand against assault to women…then I am all for celebrity blogging.

Rihanna, Take Back The Night.

UPDATE 2/28/09:  Several news outlets report that Rihanna and Chris Brown have reconciled. I do not know how I feel about this. He hit her….that’s never a good thing and its hardly excusable.  I worry for her well-being, her self esteem, and the message she is sending to a celebrity crazed  public that takes its cues from her.



It makes a difference
January 31, 2009, 11:25
Filed under: Gender Fights

I just saw a few pictures of an old college friend on facebook.  He was more than a friend. He’s gained weight, but that’s besides the point. What really struck me is the confidence he exudes in his picutres. He looks….happy with himself. He looks calm. Confident. He’s always been the sort of guy that lets people come to him, but it seems like he’s more cemented in that than ever before.

Then I realized—-he’s 27.  He is 27 years old and the older he gets, the more attractive he looks to the women around him. He ages with confidence. His career grows, his prospects of being a good husband grow, his confidence grows, etc. 

I simply don’t think the world is at a place where women can age with the same mentality. At least I am not aging with the same mentality. The older I get, the more I stress out about not being with someone. The older I get, the more I fear that the dating pool is getting smaller.

Men don’t have to feel that way. These are honest observations of what it feels like to age as a woman. lets see how it goes.

UPDATE: This kid has posted more pictures up of him chilling on the beach with a bunch of friends, weekend after weekend.  Maybe he looks good because he literally lives on a caribbean island and gets sun all the time. Hm.



Lipstick Jungle?
January 12, 2009, 11:25
Filed under: Gender Fights, tv

I just saw the season finale, did a google search and it seems like that was the last episode…ever!!!

NO NO NO!!

That show is SO good. It sets SUCH a positive example for women. It argues that women can be independent, have a professional life and still maintain a fullfilling personal life—not without challenges, none of the protagonists were perfect nor did they live a perfect life, but they were okay.

I cannot believe this show has been cancelled. It will absolutely bum me out if it is.

:(



Laying Off Women

This WSJ article really upsets me—it argues that women are more vulnerable during layoffs because they don’t do as well of a job promoting themselves as men do.

As much as I hate the article,  it’s probaboly true.  I’m guilty of doing that.

I demure if I don’t know something, if I’m not a subject matter expert. When i’m nervous about a project, I’ll usually lower expectations instead of just saying “sure thing boss.”  I think it’s tacky to show off and talk about myself, talk about my successes.  I try to be personable at work, which means that people associate me as someone to talk to about non-work stuff.

SO yeah, I think it’s true….eye-opening. We’ve got to change these habits.

  • CAREER STRATEGIES
  • JANUARY 9, 2009, 12:08 P.M. ET
  • Young Women More Vulnerable During Layoffs

    How to position yourself to withstand the cuts at your company.

    By SHELLY BANJO

    As the economy takes a nosedive, the number of layoffs continues to rise across industries. Some 2.6 million jobs were lost in 2008. The national unemployment rate jumped to 7.2% in December, the highest since January 1993, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported Friday. Since the start of the recession in December 2007, the number of unemployed persons has grown by 3.6 million.

    It’s more important than ever to make sure your manager knows how you are contributing to the company’s bottom line. For young professional women, who sometimes fail to sing their own praises or point out their contributions, that can be particularly challenging.

    [Jobless] Getty Images

    “Then there’s the stereotype around young women that they don’t need the job as much as someone else needs it,” because they are not as valuable to the company or may not have a family to support, says Simma Lieberman, a workplace consultant in Albany, Calif.

    More Resources

    While young women may be inclined to just work hard and keep their heads down, thinking strategically and asserting yourself may be more important to bullet-proof your job.

    Be Strategically Visible

    Companies have more work to do and fewer people to do it, providing you an opportunity to volunteer for projects or offer to help beyond your regular duties. Your employers will see you as relevant and essential to the company. It will also show leadership skills. “It’s much easier to fire someone you don’t know very well,” Ms. Lieberman says.

    But pick projects and tasks strategically, Ms. Lieberman says. “It’s not just that [your bosses] see you, but how they see you,” she says. For example, volunteer for important tasks that make you valuable to your immediate team and the company as a whole, such as creating a company blog or gaining a new client, not just “organizing the company potluck,” she says.

    Look for a project that would put you in constant contact with mid-level or senior management. For example, if you report to a senior leader about your progress on a project, say, once a week, your extra effort and results will be highly visible.

    Promote Yourself

    It’s part of your job to show your boss how valuable you are to the company. Many young women tend to shy away or downplay their successes, where men find it more natural to promote themselves, says Wendy Alfus-Rothman, president of business psychology firm Wenroth Consulting, Inc. in New York. By contrast, women tend to “hint and assume that if they do a good job other people will notice,” she says.

    Begin thinking of your work as noteworthy accomplishments and become your own advocate. “Anything you do, you have to be able to market it,” Ms. Lieberman says. For example, if you have completed a project with positive results, send an email to your boss, team members and management detailing the outcome of the project. Make sure to mention what the results mean to the company: Can they translate into a reduction in costs, boost in sales or further the mission of the company?

    Women are also less likely than men to take risks in the workplace, Ms. Alfus-Rothman says, but “in this market, you need to be able to change goals, shift fluidly and take risks with gusto.”

    Stay Positive and Proactive

    In times of stress women tend to share what is bothering them with coworkers, while men tend to keep it to themselves, Ms. Lieberman says. Airing your worries can be a bonding activity between coworkers, but it can also backfire dangerously: Portraying you as unsure, insecure and unable to help a company under stress. It can also come across as whiny and even lazy, because spending time complaining takes away from the time you can spend doing your work, she says. If you are weary about the economy, discuss your fears with a confidant or mentor outside of the office.

    A positive attitude on the job will set you apart from complaining coworkers, who will seem like they are not “bringing their all to work, ” Ms. Alfus-Rothman says. “Managers who have to choose between two people that are both competent,” most likely will “pick the person who is (lower) maintenance, has a better attitude and has great people skills.”

    To maintain your calm, take proactive steps to learn about what is happening within your company and your industry as a whole. Pay attention to what could impact your job or industry in the future, by joining professional associations and industry-focused networking groups.

    “In this market, people tend to withdraw and stay under the radar,” but now is actually the best time to “expand your universe,” Ms. Alfus-Rothman says.

    Consider signing up for continuing education classes or certifications in your field to not only demonstrate the value you bring to your own firm but also to stay prepared if you do, in fact, get laid off.

    “Even if you have a job, continue creating opportunities for yourself” by making new contacts and expanding your knowledge base, Ms. Alfus-Rothman says.

    Write to Shelly Banjo at shelly.banjo@wsj.com