Filed under: Gender Fights
It’s been one week and it seems like the Rubber Band Theory was accurate. G.I. Joe withdrew, had lots of man time, and then came back. He hosted a superbowl party and was completely fine with lots of PDA. Lots of good conversation the last few days. I’m back in the inner circle in terms of what’s concerning him at the moment, etc.
Go figure.
Filed under: MBA, Politics, Social Trends | Tags: democrats don't play it safe, democrats identity crisis, obama redirects his party, play it safe, rebranding the democrats
I am about to graduate from business school with a degree in marketing. Now, many of you “financier” MBAers may look down on my marketing degree, but it is actually quite useful once you realize that every institution on earth needs to do one thing to survive: Sell.
The Catholic Church needs to sell its ideology, Goldman Sachs needs to sell its financial services, and Banana Republic needs to sell clothes. The rest of this post will assume that the Democratic party (and all political parties in general) need to sell ideas to gain support and votes.
There is one crucial framework that marketing 101 that the Democrats are only recently getting wind of: STP, which stands for segmenting, targeting and positioning. Any institution worth its salt knows which consumer segments exist in its market, then it does its homework to identify target ”customers” that are most likely to buy its goods, finally the institution develops a position that will appeal to its target customer. Duh.
The #1 mistake that rookie institutions make is that they ignore STP and try to be all things for all people. That is exactly what the Democrats have done for too long. Perhaps we should define the Dems as being cautious liberals or are they quirky conservatives? I’m not sure. I don’t think anyone is sure, and that is exactly why the Dems are having an identity crisis at the moment.
I’ll drive my STP point home with a simple analogy: clothing retail. Sears was once the King of Retail. No retailer on earth sold as much to as many customers as Sears. They grew and tried to be all things to all people. Sears started selling clothes, then appliances, then eye glasses and car repair services. Sears even had a pest control service at one point in time. This strategy seemed to work until more sophisticated retailers joined the party and focused on a specific segment then targeted them with a unique market offering/position.
If you look at the following chart as the spectrum of needs retail customers look for, you can safely place Sears smack dab in the middle. There they are, trying to be all things to all people. Competitors entered and made sure to meet specific customer needs. Sears found itself straddling the market and was unable to fully meet the needs of their customers. I mean, why would you shop at Sears and try to find something you like if you could find exactly what you want at the other stores? They lost share. They’ve lost sales. They are in trouble.
The Democrats lost Massachusetts because they “Pulled a Sears.” They are straddling voters and coming out empty because they can’t fully satisfy the liberals nor can they compete with Republicans who are doing a better job of satisfying the conservatives. The Democrats need to do some serious STP analysis.
Segment: All voters ages 18+
Target: Start with all voters that are not conservatives and then get much more specific than that.
Position: The political party best suited to accomplish _________________ (meet a need that the target audience wants met)
- Stabilize the economy
- Create incentives that help new industries (and jobs) develop so that the US remains competitive in the future
- Restructure public services so that constituents receive higher value at lower costs (i.e. Health Care, Social Security, etc)
- Etc, Etc, Etc
The point is that they need to define a position and try to execute a few things very well and not trying to solve all problems under the sky.
I must end this post by congratulating President Obama for having the cojones to tell the party exactly what my favorite Marketing 101 professor told us: Focus, Specialize and Act Decisively.
President Obama recently said ““I think the natural political instinct is to tread lightly, keep your head down and to play it safe…don’t play safe.” He’s right. The Dems cannot afford to play it safe, they need to focus and be unquestionably Democrat in rhetoric and action.
Filed under: Gender Fights, MBA | Tags: dating in business school, intimacy cycle, men are like rubber bands, why men retreat
I hate self-help books because they’re cheesy. Then, a few years ago, the cheesiest self-help book of all landed on my lap: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The analogies are excessive, but quite a few of the theories in the book seem applicable to my own life. The theory that most applies in this very instant is—The Rubber Band Theory.
The theory states the following: Men have an “intimacy cycle” where they get close to their girlfriend, enjoy the intimacy, and then need to back away and get some man time. They eventually become saturated with man time and come in for more intimacy. It’s a cycle.
Women respond to this cycle in one of three ways:
1) They get it and relax during the stretch part of the relationship because they know things will be okay on average
2) They freak out and chase after him, which only makes him pull away even further to get the man time he wants. Sometimes the chasing/pulling away gets so extreme that it sours the whole relationship
3) They get angry and promise to not make the first move. This works as it gives the dude his space, but, the woman doesn’t enjoy it and can become bitter/jaded. This is the bucket that I always land in.
G.I. Joe (my boyfriend) is a man’s man. He’s also a teddy bear. I have always appreciated this juxtaposition but never connected it to the Rubber Band Theory until right now.
Teddy Bear: I have never dated anyone quite as affectionate as him. He is the first to say that he wants to stay in and just hang out with me…”I’m in a you mode,” he’ll say. He doesn’t care what people think and is never shy about public affection when we’re at school (I’m getting my MBA, remember?). He lets me in on his crazy stream of conscious thoughts. When he’s like this it becomes abundantly clear that I am his favorite person.
Man’s Man: Loves xbox. Loves playing Rugby with the boys. Loves working out and lifting weights. Loves his beer. Loves watching sports on his huge TV. When he goes out with the boys (I’m usually there with other people…it’s a small town = not many bars) I notice that he’s just talking in a corner with his 4 buddies drinking beer. He’s a veteran for Christ’s sake and literally made a living blowing things up.
Right now, he’s in man’s man world. I was getting really f-ing angry about this until I remembered the rubber band theory. I like the teddy bear in him, but the only reason that teddy bear part exists is because he balances it out with man’s man time. Also, one of the draw backs of dating in business school is that you see your partner all the time. There is no space which must have an accelerator effect on normal relationship behavior.
Crap. I’m sounding like one of those cheesy romantic self-help books but it’s true, I’ve had this epiphany and I wanted to share it.
Lets see how it goes…I have lots of homework to do anyway and lots of plans set up this week. I’ll make this lady week and reevaluate in 7 days to see how tense/lax the rubber band has become.
Filed under: Gender Fights, MBA | Tags: breakups, dating in business school, getting back together with an ex
My relationship history exemplifies a very, very troubling trend: I tend to get back together with my exes.
Why? Maybe I’m a sucker for romance. Maybe I believe his promises too easily. Maybe I’m hopeful and generally willing to giving second chances.
No really, why? Premature pulling of the trigger. When I breakup with someone, I usually do it because something happened and my discontent or frustrations hit a boiling point. I tend to make rash decisions when I feel like that and then suffer from second thoughts. People get back together with their exes when the relationship feels unfinished. Relationships feel unfinished when the decision to breakup is made prematurely or without full information—you need to be pretty sure that things should end before you can totally walk away from someone.
Results? Clearly, the whole getting back together thing hasn’t panned out before given that all of those relationships eventually ended.
So why am I getting back together with GI Joe: He is the one who pulled the trigger. Though I still question our long term compatibility, this has been a great relationship and I was not ready to end it. With that said, the breakup was really painful and I am scared sh*tless about trying again, being made a fool and getting hurt a few weeks/months from now. I’m scared, but it always felt unfinished therefore I am willing to give it another shot.
With that said: This is the last time that I will ever get back together with a man after breaking up. I am making that a new years resolution and lifetime promise…..this is the last data point I will need before concluding that the pattern of breaking up/getting back doesn’t work for me.
Filed under: Gender Fights | Tags: anatomy of a breakup, how do you know if the timing is right, if the situation is right, if you'll get married
There are three major variables in a relationship: Timing, Situation and Compatibility. How far a relationship will go is determined by the strength of each of these variables.
Timing: Timing is everything in life. Marriage is something you will have an appetite for once you’re done getting to know yourself, done being selfish and investing solely in your career/friends/life. Women are often “ready” to commit before men are. Maybe it’s a biological nesting thing, I don’t know. Regardless, the timing has to be right for both of you if you want the relationship to go the distance.
Situation: Sometimes, the timing is right but the situation is not. Maybe he just went through a layoff and has to take a job in another city. Maybe she is preoccupied because her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and she can’t fathom dating anyone at the moment. I would say that situation is a tricky variable. For example, high-stress periods often create situations that are not conducive for a long-term relationship…sometimes high-stress periods bring out the best in relationships. It depends.
Compatibility: This is obvious, but compatibility is at the crux of a long-term relationship. However, it’s worth noting that there are several degrees of compatibility. There’s relationship compatibility, where you simply get along with the person and have a good time. Then there’s life-long compatibility, where you and that person compliment each other in a way where you are both equipped to face the trials of establishing a home, raising a family, and supporting each other through severe challenges (i.e. illness, unemployment, etc).
The best relationships have an abundance of good timing, situation and compatibility. Bad relationships have severe deficits of the three variables. However, the most dangerous scenario is when a lack of compatibility is masked by incredibly good timing and situation. Too many couples get ready because that’s the next logical step in their relationship or they are at an age where that is expected of them; years later, they find themselves staring at divorce because their compatibility was only sufficient in the context of a specific time frame or situation. Put in a different way, the couple were not compatible enough to grow together long-term.
Me…my own timing was off until quite recently. While I would have had a mini panic attack at the thought of marrying someone 5 years ago, now it is something that I actively crave. Not the marrying part, but the part where you find a partner and can trust that you’ll work through whatever issue comes your way because there’s no doubt that you’ll be together x years from now. My timing is on. My situation was off until recently too. Actually, if I’m really honest with myself, I’d say it is still off…I’m in business school, about to transition yet again, move yet again, find an apartment yet again. My situation isn’t exactly welcoming to others.
As I said in my last post, I just ended a really phenomenal relationship. His timing was off (mine on); his situation was worse than mine; our compatibility was good for now but not enough for the long-run. I’m sad. The funny thing is that I don’t think I’ve ever been so close to perfectly calibrating the three variables. My timing was on. My situation, though not perfect, was manageable. And I found someone that I was almost compatible with….
This post rambles on quite a bit…so, I’ll save my typing fingers for a more lucid post a few days from now. All you have to remember is that timing, situation and compatibility are important variables in a relationship. By the way, I just found this blog…I like.
Filed under: Gender Fights
I’m writing again and you all know what that means….breakup time!!!!
Blurb on the last 9 months: Dating G.I. Joe (pseudonym) was a great experience. The relationship taught me what it’s like to have a partner. We got along like best friends and had the best.chemistry.ever. The communication was crystal clear and we never had any bad fights. It was a healthy relationship.
But: It ended. Too soon. Although the relationship ran it’s course and I’m 100% certain that we had no future together after business school, I didn’t expect such an abrupt ending. Things had become noticeably cold since recruiting started for him. Things must have reached boiling point internally and within 3 days he decided to break up with me.
After Shock: I resent how he ended things in 20 minutes. A longer conversation that allows for mutual agreement is a much better way to go….I learned that now. Also, I hate that I have to go through another breakup in the fishbowl that is my MBA program.
Some hope: The breakup has been an opportunity for me to see just how awesome my girlfriends are. I can’t tell you how supportive they have been. Also, guys have already started flirting again….looks like I’ll have. Finally, women seem to take breakups as an opportunity to improve themselves. I’m a pretty self-aware person so I think that is true.
Anyway. I’m a sad panda again.
Filed under: Gender Fights, MBA | Tags: business school break ups, dating in business school, getting over an ex, guide to breaking up, mba breakups, rebounding
I wrote my most popular post “Guide to Breaking Up” exactly one year ago. I was weeks into a bad breakup and used wordpress as a cheap therapist. I’ll give a quick update on what’s happened in my life over this past year, then summarize the key insights.
Update: I nearly lost it when I heard the ex started dating someone. It got even worse when I ran into him and the new girl (holding hands, dancing, together) at a party. That was rock bottom but things eventually got better. We both moved to our new school (MBA, remember) and that’s when things got complicated. He pursued me hard core, told me I was the one, bla bla bla. I knew getting back together would be a bad idea; that I’d most likely blow an entire semester and suffer a much bigger opportunity cost than him. But, I got back together with him anyway and literally had a panic attack the second I made the decision. It was rocky, he was the one pushing things forward, and then about 10 weeks in I realized I was pretty happy and put forth all of my effort. Of course, that’s exactly when he started withdrawing again. It was unbearable. I couldn’t handle it. we broke up and this time the cards turned. I made out with someone in New Years, in front of him. I rebuffed him when he tried to pursue me again, tempting me with the promise of a summer engagement. I went on dates, started dating someone, and got into a serious relationship with his polar opposite. I stopped talking to him, finally. These are the key insights that got me to this status quo.
Guys want what they can’t have. He probably missed me and possibly confused that with loving me. Who knows, I’m not a mind reader. It’s funny. What is literally the hottest guy in my class hit on me one day—we struck up a conversation, he reminded me that we had met during admit weekend and had a great time, made jokes, made plans to meet up later—well it turns out that the ex had been on the same pre-term trip before school. They were friends and hottie was totally threatening him. Word got out that we had dated and hottie backed out in the blink of an eye. Expected. The ex pushed harder. Also expected.
Guys are liberal with promises. He promised he had changed, that he loved me, that he’d never do anything bad to me again. He promised he’d get therapy to learn how to communicate better, be less insecure, and not shut me out so much. Prmised me the world. Promised it would be different this time.
Pain is forgettable. That’s why I threw all of my good logic out the window and got back together with him. I forgot all of the anxiety he caused me whenever he’d inexplicably stop talking to me, be dismissive towards me, make me feel like getting into the same school was an awful sin. I forgot how much it hurt that he dated someone just weeks after we broke up. Instead, I focused on his pretty promises and finally caved in.
Instincts matter.I suffered from a genuine panic attack just hours after we got back together. My good friend called me up and asked me a simple question: Is this what you want? I panicked. I fast-forwarded to the most likely outcome of another break up. I valued the lost opportunity of being unattached to anyone as I met all o fmy new class mates. I sized up all of the healing from the summer that I was about to throw into the garbage. Getting back together felt terribly wrong, yet I did it anyway.
30 Year Olds Don’t Change. I won’t bore you with the details, but the relationship started getting sour just a few weeks later. I’m sure it didnt’ help that my doubt was palpable. It also didn’t help that we were thrown into a new environment, with new stress, and a worsening job market. Regardless, the same symptoms popped up: Inexplicable cold shoulder, unresponsiveness, etc. I literally begged him to “jiggle the rope,” just let me know that he’s present in the relationship even if things are tough and he needs “alone” time. He said no.
Therapy helps. I promised myself I would get therapy during my graduate education—I figured I was investing $80k anyway so I might as well maximize the whole self-improvement process. Ironically, I can’t put a price tag to having an anchor throughout the whole process. She helped remind me how panicked I was when I got back together with him, how tormented I felt when he got cold again, and how thoroughly I thought out the options before breaking up. This reminder helped me stay strong during the months that followed
Retribution. I can’t tell you how angry I was about being in the same crappy break-up situation all over again. We happened to be at the same new years party and I gave myself a 10% chance of kissing him (that’s how we started dating 2 years earlier) and 90% chance of staying clear of him. Well, he flirted with some girl so I decided to flirt back with the guy that was hitting on me too…and then this flirty guy and I kissed…and the ex fell apart.
Revenge is Sweet. Remember how awful I felt when I saw him with that girl the previous summer? Well, he was pretty banged up. He lost control and literally begged to get back together.
Promises can be Manipulative. “You’re the one. You are supposed to be my partner in life, my wife, the mother of my kids. If we get back together then we’ll be engaged this summer, married next summer.” I want to get married. I want it so bad but it felt like he was baiting me with my biggest vulnerability. I saw through the words and felt tremendous anger towards him.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words. He kept on trying to talk me into getting back together and then he heard I was dating someone. He called to confirm the rumor and we have not talked since then (February 2009).
Ping Pong Theory. There is a period of happiness when you date someone. Then, incompatibilities will start to show and you eventually break up. These differences are what you note in that lits of qualities every man and woman keeps in the back of their minds: things I like/don’t like about the people I date. The list informs your taste in the future. In my case, I tend to select guys that “bypass” the problems that led to the previous breakup. My ex was insecure, so I look for a very secure man. etc.etc.etc.
Closer. Maybe it’s rebound, maybe it’s not. All I know is that I am now dating someone that meshes better with me than anyone I have ever dated before. It’s effortless. We can talk about anything (serious or not) for hours. He’s the sharpest, most sincere, and most direct man I’ve ever dated. The physical chemistry is insane. Communication (i.e .resolving conflict, diffusing arguments, etc) is a simple game for us…I don’t know if he’s the one, but I know that being with him is one of the single most healthiest decisions I have ever made because now I know that a healthy, mutual and caring relationship is possible for me. I am still not over the ex (it was a long, serious and damaging relationship…I think the most damning part of it is that I actually thought I was going to marry him. Letting my mind go there is what made this breakup so tough.) BUT, I’m also confident about where I am right now, what I know, and the direction that I am moving in.
As the president of a school organization, I had to go to one of those school-wide diveristy meetings. Basically, my school wants to put its force behind diversity iniatives and make a whole big thing about it next quarter. If this group defines and executes its diversity strategy the way every other organization I’ve ever been a part of executes it…then the diversity efforts will fail.
If you put a flyer out that says “Diversity is important, join our Diversity Initiative Club” then you’re going to get a very small number of atendees. They will be a diverse group of people, but their lack of scale prevents them from having much impact.
Really, diversity is more about persective than it is about skin color or ethnicity. Diversity is all of the following:
- Being the low-income kid in an expensive private school
- Being a staunch Republican
- or staunch Democrat
- Being the only white girl in a Hispanic school
- Having gay parents
- Being adopted
- Being black, going to a historically black college, then working in a company that lacks diversity
- Working at a nonprofit to save the whales
- Being a prep-school, Ivy-League trained I-Banker
- Having overcome substance abuse
All of these things create diverse perspective. All of these people are likely to draw very different conclusions when considering the same topic.
Firms, private/public/non-profit, all benefit from having a staff that is diverse in its breadth of perspectives. Going to a top MBA school and glimpsing into these different perspectives adds to your own and broadens your thoughts.
Diversity iniatives, when properly defined, add value to absolutely everyone within an organization becuase absolutely everyone can contribute.
Those are my thoughts, which I have shared/will continue to share with the powers that be.
It’s been awhile, lets catch you up:
- The Ex (insecure guy) and I broke up in December
- He tried to get me back all through out the next semester. To no avail. He tried many different strategies:
- Excuses: “I acted that way because something bad happened to me, it won’t happen again” (yeah right, he said that 4x before)
- Hope: “You are the one for me, I want to marry you and have children with you. If we get back together we can be engaged by summer, married when we graduate”…. this strategy was particularly cruel since he harped on one of my dream of getting married one day. He used it as a weapon against me.
- Denial: “Lets just be friends, and hang out, and basically act like we’re dating except we’re not.” He said this in a note that came with some flowers. Friends don’t give eachother flowers, do they?
- Guilt: “It’s me, I know it’s my fault and I can change. But I need you to support me as I change. I need you to be there for me.”
- Truth: “You are 100% right. I treated you badly. I disrespected you. Iwas horrible to you and I understand why your memories of us are negative. You deserve better. I want to be better, let me be better.” This was the second cruelest strategy he tried because he ripped the bandaid off when he admitted the wrong doing, made me think there was hope he’d improve given that he “saw” how his behavior hurt me.
- Anger: “This is it. If we don’t get back together now you lose me forever.”
- Anger and Threat: “I’m going to start dating someone…actually, i am dating someone.”
Anyway, that’s how it played out for about 8 weeks, which is right about when I started dating G.I. Joe.
G.I. Joe is great. He’s secure, he doesn’t take his bad moods out on me, he is consistent, he is sweet, we talk like we’re best friends, etc.
I don’t like how aggressive his personality is or how his personality is contagtious (good or bad). I don’t like what a mess he is, and how staying over at his place means I have to stay in a NASTY apartment with piles of trash and hair all over the bathroom. I also wonder if our backgrounds are irreconcilably different (i’m somewhat of a wasp, he’s the opposite).
We’ll see. I’m glad I’m with him because now I know what a difference being with a secure, emotionaly mature and caring man is like. It’s pretty freaking awesome.
